It was a dark and stormy night.

Creeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaak . . .

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaughhhhhhhhhh . . .

In honor of Halloween, here are nine things employers say that strike terror in the hearts of their lawyers. CAUTION: Pregnant women, anyone with a heart condition or seizure disorder, and anyone who is easily upset should stop reading NOW!!!!

No one will be seated after the first 15 minutes of this post!PlanNine_08.Bela Lugosi.jpg

BEWARE! Take care! Pull the string! Pull the string!

 

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. MY FRIEND, CAN YOUR HEART STAND THE SHOCKING FACTS OF GRAVE ROBBERS FROM OUTER SPACE 9 SCARY THINGS THAT EMPLOYERS SAY? HERE GOES . . .

1. “When did we last have harassment training? Yep, we’ve been meaning to get that done.”

2. “Of course we don’t pay our secretaries overtime. They’re salaried, not hourly, and they’re all very professional.”

3. “Well, no, we didn’t really have much of a reason to fire Joe, but this is an employment-at-will state, isn’t it? We don’t need a reason.”

4. “Mary isn’t eligible for benefits. She’s an independent contractor.”

5. “Meet Jose. He’s been temping with us for five years.”

6. “I’m sure we’d manage if we let Rachel take off for the Sabbath. But if we did it for Rachel, then everybody would be wanting Saturdays off, so we told her no. After she missed a few Saturdays, we fired her for attendance.”

PlanNine_07.Vampira.jpg“You did WHAT?”

 

7. “I guess with 20-20 hindsight we should have documented that.”

8. “We hire Hispanics only, unless we’re desperate for warm bodies. Hispanics work so hard and have such good attitudes.”

Plan Nine.Tor_Johnson carrying girl.jpg“She fainted! Isn’t it ok to discriminate in favor of Hispanics?”

 

9. “Yes, I know manager Sam is mean and treats his employees like dirt, but his department makes so much money . . .”

PlanNine_09.Tor and Alien.jpg*whew* “That was number nine, right? I wasn’t sure I’d make it. What a stupid, stupid, stupid post!”

 

Remember, my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future. Pleasant nightmares . . .

 

Photo credits: Wikimedia Commons, still shots from Edward D. Wood Jr.’s Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959), considered one of the worst films ever made. (So bad, it’s good.)